He: “Honey… I’m not sure how to say this… But I accidentally… stuffed a garlic bulb up there.”

Me: “Up where, exactly?”

He (mumbling): “My butt.”

I blinked. “You what?!”

Apparently, he’d read online that garlic could “boost testosterone and virility.” He was too embarrassed to tell me, so he shoved it in rectally—three cloves at a time—for a week.

The doctor said it was the strongest smell he’d ever encountered in 20 years of practice.

We rode home in silence. I didn’t say a word. I just opened all the car windows.

That night, I bought him a bottle of vitamins and blocked his access to health blogs forever.